


like roses and clover

by watername



Category: SHINee
Genre: Insomnia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:34:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23643175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watername/pseuds/watername
Summary: "you should wake up," he says. jonghyun shakes his head, silent, breathless."wake up, jonghyun," jinki says, the regret mixed with resolve.jonghyun falls in love with the man of his dreams.
Relationships: Kim Jonghyun/Lee Jinki | Onew
Comments: 10
Kudos: 32





	like roses and clover

he knew the exact weight of it in his palm. the color of its rough grain when balanced on the tip of his finger. its arc, from releasing to landing, the briefest moment of contrast against skin. 

the color of sleep. 

to jinki, it smelled like nothing at all. 

to the older woman, slumped with exhaustion, it smelled quite different. the mote landed just beneath her chin, tucked against a dark hair. her brow, furrowed over, relaxed. her breathing deepened, the first intake cautious, the second giving in wholehearted until it evened out into soft snores. 

jinki, ever slight, ever restrained, leans forward to catch the scent it takes, just for her. 

tea. the barest whiff of florals and earthiness, the kind suggestion of warmth. it sends her further into a rest she desperately needs. 

the grain has disappeared entirely - a single push was all she had needed. jinki looks at her for a moment. he wonders what she's dreaming of, that will scrub her clean of all her worries and ward more off until the next day.

the smell - of earth, of flowers - returns, now imperfect, real, strong. another woman, gray snowing against her temples, well-earned plump around her cheeks, enters. she stops in surprise, and jinki knows it's not for him. 

(it never is. it's thousands of bedrooms, dirt floors, concrete and canvas and grass and carpet and trees, and not one of them has recognized his presence.)

the lines of concern evident in her face disappear, leaving behind paths of affection instead. relief rests gladly on her frame. she puts down her drink, the imperfect, regular cup that is the single comfort her partner knows as solace. she runs a gentle, steady hand through her hair; she bends, and kisses her forehead. 

jinki rubs a new grain between his fingers. his departure is unseen, and unheard, as it always is.

* * *

jonghyun lies on his back in his bed. the curious sounds of 2 am are on their inevitable march to 3 am, as they are every night, with jonghyun as a frequent, resigned observer.

he gets up, moves to a place objectively worse. the couch is lumpier, and the tv glares bright to his dark-adjusted eyes. he remembers nothing at all about what he watches for the next hour and a half, only that it is an hour and a half passing by under his overaware eye.

in between blinks, he's jostled awake by his sister; her fretful hands support him back to his bed. she pulls the blanket up towards his chest; he pulls it against him and finds her form in the pre-dawn light. he must have just minutes before dawn. 

"you'll hurt your back out there, little brother," she says, she twists her fingers in his hair, the same gesture since they were children, when her fingers were less careful, pulling at his dark strands to test her strength. jonghyun closes his eyes, and pretends he's back there again, a simpler thing to sleep, and a simpler life to live. "be kinder to yourself, or find someone who will be when i can't, ok?"

he nods sleepily, thankful that the dark is already encroaching back in.

* * *

she would be bothered by what he does - or doesn't do - next. he makes a nest for himself in the living room, and tunes the radio to the stations that play obscure artists, in times least like to get unkind comments. he scatters around himself paper, pen, his phone, the remote, all the detritus to ensure he doesn't have to make useless motions up.

he writes one piece, and puts it aside for the next. he throws away one; an hour later, he's smoothing it out. the line abandoned mid-thought gets completed with messy strokes of his second pen. (the first pen is misplaced, tucked unrecalled behind his ear.) 

it's not healthy. he trusts his body will give out, so he does the kindest thing he can for it by avoiding the hard surfaces of his desk, table, chair. he sits with his knees bent and balances notebooks there instead, blanket pulled tight around him like an embrace. 

* * *

"oh", jinki thinks. the young man, his head bent low as he scribbles in his paper, stops for a moment. he looks up and through jinki. somehow, it hurts, not being noticed, by him, somehow, the longing and curiosity in his eyes burn through jinki and leave him expectant. 

there's a feeling he takes for granted, so familiar it is: the urge to help anyone exhausted, overworked. it's sharpened in this small room, with this one person, and has become a selfish thing - _help him, see him rest, see him recover._

he fumbles in his bag, fingers clumsy and amateur. he pulls out two grains, more than most. not unheard of, but for others it's been knowledge, clearly defined and assured. for this young man, it's empathy, soft at the edges, uncertain and solicitous. jinki's breath is caught in his throat; he moves forward to toss them, and stops.

hesitant, he steps forward, weightless feet stepping onto the blanket. 

he holds the two grains in his palm, and turns it over so they drop, soundless, weightless, into the soft mess of blond hair. 

for a wild, rich moment, the room smells of sharp char, metallic, so thick it stings on his tongue, and then the young man slumps back. his eyelids flutter. noiseless slumber wraps its greedy arms around him. 

jinki huffs out his held breath. 

the young man's eyes break from their repose, just for a moment.

"who - " he starts to say, before dropping off into sleep. 

but jinki is already gone.

* * *

jonhyun is thinking of a man, and the thought itself is heavy and hard to bear, like a weighted blanket across his shoulders, urging him _rest, rest_ even as he tries to move forward.

he wonders if this is someone pulled from his memories, some subconscious reaction of his mind telling him what he already knows. his lip chewed over, his tongue darts out as he bends to grab the notepad. the pen behind his ear for orders falls forward onto the counter. 

a melody is filling his head, the best expression he knows. it's an endless pattern of waves, a rhythmic and relentless call in song. the notes flower freely beneath his fingers, ink smudging against his skin. 

he wonders if this is what prophets claim to see: some apparition tied to a feeling so strong and overpowering it's more real than your own bones. jonghyun _knows_ this man, knows the feeling of peace, of security, he gave him. 

when he falls asleep at home, tucked into a small ball in his nest, an unseen hand rifles through his papers, finds the characters of his name written tight in the one corner unmarked with notation. 

jinki takes note of it, and then he reads on. his lips part. 

* * *

someone's singing. 

there are no words, there's barely enough to call it sound, but the longer jonghyun listens, the more audible it is. it skirts around the skeletons of words with delicate care, a simple note upon note upon note that finishes his song. and, in the same breath, starts it again.

a lullaby, his last hastily written song has become in this voice. ironic enough that the realization wakes him up.

he can't imagine going to sleep again, wanting to listen for as long as the universe will bear the noise. 

and yet - he does, lulled into rest.

* * *

jinki carries the lullaby with him when he leaves, perched in his heart like a secret. 

he stands in the corner of a room, listening to the wails of a baby, seeing a father get up, grumbling. another man, the other father, is left behind and stares up at the ceiling. dark bags are long-stowed beneath his eyes. 

tonight is for him. tomorrow for the other father, now retrieving their child from its cradle. perhaps just a few hours. 

he tosses the grain lightly, watches its shadow settle into the sweaty hollow of his throat. a powdery scent steals across, and he's exhaling, asleep in a moment even as the wails continue. 

jinki doesn't leave: the other man passes in the hall outside, murmuring a plea to his child to sleep. 

"sleep, go to sleep," he half-cries, half-sings. it stirs at jinki's heart. 

gentle, gentle, he won't spare the grain, but he can spare the magic of himself. he reaches out, thinks, _peace, and rest, calm until morning_ , and jonghyun's song spills out from his lips. the unrelenting recollection of his presence sticks to jinki like a shadow, huddled as jinki faces off with the sun. 

the wails quiet into snuffling; wet, small hands curled against its father's chest.

kim jonghyun, jinki thinks, selfish again and wanting to help, and he's pulled to him, the gravity of his fascination pulling him through space, shredding the thin shield of perception. 

* * *

"i'm not supposed to be here," someone says. his voice is reserved, like every word is a bargain hard-won.

jonghyun's dreams subside at the statement. they curl from a vast infinity into a tidy smallness. his dreams scamper around his ankles, restless and perpetual. the interruption - it's him, the man he saw once, and dream in bits and pieces ever since. he looks at jonghyun, wide-eyed and abashed, like a child. 

"who are you?" jonghyun asks. " - what are you?" he asks a moment after, sure that this is not some long-buried acquaintance or figment spurred up by self-reproach.

"jinki," he says. "i am - i am me. i help you get here," he gestures faintly at the now-single dream, vaulting itself on small four legs over and over his feet, the vaguest suggestion of an animal shape. "when you're locked out."

here. 

jonghyun looks around at an endless plain of nothing at all besides the figures of himself, jinki, and his dream. it's so easy to reach here. his knees bend, his eyes straining to understand the exact shape of his dream. and his dream turns up to meet his gaze, over-large eyes full of eternity.

he can feel himself falling, falling, into a soft gauze of fantasy - 

"no," and he's pulled out, shaken alert again. jinki releases the grip on his arm, jonghyun's dream held in his other palm. it wriggles. 

just like that, he had been falling asleep, careening into a dream within a dream. was it so easy, for others, in the waking world? he wondered.

"is this - " he starts. the lift of his wrist, the vague suggestion of their surroundings. " - normal?"

jinki considers him. 

"no. you're lucid, and you're seeing me. one is rare. the other is impossible. no one sees me."

"but - " he continues " - here i am."

"here you are," jonghyun faintly says. he looks over jinki, lingering on features like the dark slash of eyebrows, the slight bowlegs, the almost imperceptible fidget of his right ring finger, like it's resisting a patter against his thigh. he looks almost ordinary, but for the deep, old light in his eyes, like sunlight in an impossible echo, in a cave deep beneath the surface.

"it was you that i heard singing," he says. the request goes unspoken, but the sunlight flickers, and he knows jinki understands.

"please," jonghyun asks. 

slow, thoughtful, jinki sings, the sounds of the universe interpreted through jonghyun's notes. he sings, and sings, and jonghyun finds himself coming closer - a moon in orbit. daring to reach out when he can't stand it any further, jinki's voice goes soft until it silences altogether. the last note echoes out into oblivion, except for a single part, a reverberation so strong between their bodies that jonghyun thinks it could shake him apart. 

"you should wake up," he says. jonghyun shakes his head, silent, breathless. 

"wake up, jonghyun," jinki says, the regret mixed with resolve.

and he does.

* * *

"i'm worried about you," his sister tells him. she shoves him lightly, the solid fist lessened as she follows it up with bringing her hand to the back of his neck, up through his hair. it makes of a mess of it; it makes her smile. 

"i'm okay," he says. he demonstrates with an array of papers. he keeps some hidden behind others. "inspiration has its grip on me."

"well, tell her to relax or i'll break her fingers."

jonghyun laughs, kisses her cheek goodbye. he waits. 

"you can hear me, right? i know it's not you making sure i'm sleeping anymore...i'd know if it was you here." he picks at the edge of his light shorts, the concession to a warm night. "i think you're worried about me, but about yourself too. letting people see you must be scary. but you know it's just me down here, right? and i know you're not scared of me."

the words hang out there, like a flag on a windless day. there's more to say, but it's not for jonghyun. he's said a lot over the past two weeks. he wonders if it feels like just a moment ago to jinki, what time feels like to him, outside and beyond earth.

instead, he shuffles his papers. the one he finds he doesn't need to remember, but tracing his fingers against the sheet is the closest he has to seeing him again. 

he'd been working on words for it, some combination of syllables to capture the endless feeling of warmth, of safety, that his voice had brought to it. 

he tries out and discards a few. some get to the end of the line; others barely get voiced before he knows they're wrong. 

"nothing's going to sound right," he admits. he leans back and laces his fingers behind his head. he starts to vocalize, ignoring coherence for going through it from beginning to end, over and over again. his eyes closes on the third time, trying to picture the landscape without land. it all has faded away so quickly, leaving only traces of it behind for him to seize greedily. 

the feeling of sunlight through his skin. the suggestion of infinity in jinki's eyes. falling.

falling.

something furry leaps into his arms, and he tightens his hold instinctively in the half-moment before opening his eyes. it both is and isn't his apartment: a curious bending at the corners of his vision, the slight hint of unreality that permeates everything from the TV to the wriggling dog that's not a dog, busy ensconcing itself in his lap. 

jonghyun knows before anything is said.

"i heard you."

"i know," jonghyun breathes, and jinki kneels down. jonghyun straightens up. the dog that's not licks at his chin, then jinki's, excitedly switching back and forth. 

"she's my dreams."

jinki nods, grave and shy.

"a small part of them. i - thought it could help you."

"is she real? her tongue feels real," he tries to joke. 

"as real as i am," jinki confirms. the light in his eyes breaks into something gentler, more approachable. "she's a - gift."

jonghyun begins to pet her, and her eyes swivel up towards him in adoration, a dark quivering pool that invites him to sit beside, to relax and put his mind at ease. nothing so overpowering as what he experienced in her first iteration, the irresistible pull into dreams regardless of his desires.

"very small," jinki says quietly, and it's only on this statement that jonghyun catches the curdling of his tone.

"thank you," he grabs at jinki's hand, shocking himself at the touch. he expects jinki to pull away. "for seeing me again."

their hands remain joined. jinki's fingers are soft; his nails, unchipped. he clears his throat. 

"you asked me to - and i've heard you. i think i would like to know what it sounds like together."

jonghyun's heart swells, so hard and fast it hurts. jinki's hand tightens over his; his eyes now seem very, very young. 

they sing. 

* * *

after - 

"are you going to name her?" jonghyun asks. jinki shakes his head. 

" _kkum_ isn't right. that's not you anymore, is it?" he asks her, fiddling with her ears and laughing softly at how her tongue spills out. " _singiru,_ then. almost imaginary. _ru_."

jinki smiles. 

* * *

after the after - 

jonghyun jogs after roo as they enter the apartment, removing his gloves and shaking the cold off. her late-night walk completed. he plans to settle in, to curl up in bed in a few short hours and see jinki once more, in the soft hazy hours between wakefulness and sleep. 

"hi."

he starts, and roo begins barking excitedly, running at jinki. jonghyun is halfway to joining her, before - 

"i'm not asleep, am i?"

"no," jinki says. he steps forward and holds open his arms, lets jonghyun fall into them. he can feel jinki's heart beating in his chest. 

"when i gave you roo," he hears jinki start, and clear his throat. "i didn't - i didn't know if - i could _be_ \- i needed to know first. i couldn't try and fail and leave you - _jonghyun._ "

he pulls away, and his eyes are perfect and brown and human. 

jonghyun puts his hands to his cheeks, and jinki turns to kiss them, one, then the other.

"i'm being selfish," he confesses, and pulls jonghyun closer to him again.

when they sway together, it's to music only they can hear.


End file.
